Life.

I wish it was as simple as knowing what words to say, which are the right ones. I feel driven to say something, to say it all, but I don’t have the slightest idea where to start or where to end or what the hell should go in between the two. It all falls down around me. Anyways… Lot on the mind lately. Most of it good. I mean, I have been an insane level of content and happy lately xP This summer is going to be badass, plain and simple. I could rant for days, but suffice to say I have friends like family, and I’m enjoying all the things in my life. It’s a quiet sort of happy a lot of times really. I don’t quite talk as much as I used to, or be QUITE as crazy. I still have my high energy moods, but my moods that used to be sad have been replaced with a quiet and calm sort of happy mood. It’s the mood when I sit a bit away from a group, write in my quote book, sing quietly, listen to music, write in my journal, read, or some other such activity. I love it :3 And I’ve stopped trying to live up to the expectations of others. I’m quite fine going to community college and transferring to a four year, I don’t need to excel in a grade. The enjoyment I get out of life comes from other areas. I want to be able to provide, if I should need to, but I’m not planning to make it big or anything. Still can’t decide what to major in though, that much hasn’t changed lolz. And girls… Ohhh girls. I haven’t really been looking too hard, but I‘d be bullshitting to say it still hasn’t crossed my mind as much as the next guy’s. There’s been a few who I’ve found alright, and there was one I sort of pseudo-dated for about a week, but I just didn’t really feel it. I could never say what it was, but I just couldn’t bring myself to really feel anything. So I didn’t start a relationship to begin with. Honestly, I think being alone has done me a hell of a lot of good though. So I’m not bugged :P Things I probably should’ve known a long ass time ago. But, I know them now at least. All in all, life was pretty day to day up to a couple weeks ago or so. I didn’t have a girlfriend or anything, but I think I was doing a pretty good job of moving on. I still thought of her, but I did my best not to when I could, and I figured the reason I wasn’t with anyone was simply that I hadn’t found the right one. Then of course, life gets confusing again. I don’t think it would really be fun without the confusion though XD Life’s still good after all. But yeah, confusing at times. All of a sudden, she talks to me again. Like we’d been friends still the whole time. I mean, I guess we’d talked before that, but somehow it wasn’t quite in the same way. It was more like when we used to talk I suppose. Easier. Friendly. On top of that, for the first time, I realized Ethan is just a guy, same as me. It was silly of me, but somehow I had never thought of them having troubles in their relationship same as everyone else. She just seemed so happy, and I felt like I was a plague or something, a danger. And I didn’t mean to. I really, really didn’t mean to. But I fell. Again. Or maybe I was just reminded. It all just rushed back, and I lost myself again somewhere through the night. I couldn’t decide whether I was happy from the feeling, or angry at myself for falling again. I think it was a little of both. But it didn’t take very long before I out thought myself, as always. During the party, and after, I thought maybe she gravitated towards me in the same way I seemed to towards her. Maybe she was thinking of me too. Maybe, maybe, maybe. And I realized this. I realized I was making the same grave errors of the past. So I told her the truth; that I still cared. Because I knew the answer. I knew she would draw away. I knew, or maybe the better word is believed, that she didn’t feel the same towards me as I always had towards her and she wouldn’t talk to me again. I guess I was forcing the scales to tip. In essence, giving myself no choice in the matter. And I got exactly the answer I believed I would. Almost complete silence. And I was okay with that. Was it everything I wanted in the world? Course not lolz. But I’ve learned to make peace with things you can’t control. That continued forrr.. Two weeks? Yeah, I believe it was two weeks. She was still around in my head, but I knew my answer, and I kept up with other things. Still happy as ever. And then now.. I’m mo chuisle again, and a bird. Maybe not directly called that, but I was referred to it in context. All of a sudden, that’s not speculation. That’s not a maybe. That’s a confirmed yes, she misses me to some degree or another, in one way or another. Still vague as hell, but confirmed. And I still wonder sometimes if I’m the one catching her looking at me, or if she’s catching me looking at her sometimes. It’s such a thin line. And I fall, again. I don’t even know what it is, and yet I do. It’s everything. Somehow, she is built in some perfectly imperfect way. And she makes me just, feel… Alive. I truly don’t know how to put it other than that. She always makes me feel more than anything or anyone else. It’s not always good feelings, but it’s always extreme. When she’s angry at me, I feel like I’ve made an error of the gravest magnitude imaginable. But when she smiles… It’s beyond words. It’s a beautiful that cuts to the soul. And I can’t help but smile in spite of myself. And that’s where I find myself now. And what do I do? I don’t know if there’s even a proper answer to that question. Guess that’s why I wrote this. I mean, even assuming she misses me in the deep sense that I miss her often enough, and even assuming that she’s having that many troubles with Ethan; and of course these are HUGE assumptions, and I’ve learned not to make assumptions; there’s still even more in the way. Her parents, still hate me. No illusions there. Fiery burning hatred. And I can’t lie, my parents don’t exactly like her either, although they just more dislike, not fiery hatred lolz. Hell, most people would disagree really I imagine. Most of my close friends wouldn’t, just cause they’re pretty accepting, but yeah. And there’s always been so much different in us too.. I know I’m not the guy I was several months back, but how much has really changed? It’s not like I got on the four year track and decided to become a doctor. I didn’t pull my life together in that way lolz. But I’ve come to enjoy my own space. Appreciate time with my friends and hobbies. I wish I had done that more in the past actually. I really kind of ditched my friends for a time sophomore year, and I have to say I feel like a right ass. Making up for it now and this summer at least. I have the rather wonderful gift of patience now as well. Very helpful in living day to day. And truly… To love someone is to let them be themselves. As an overreaching idea, the thing I regret most is expecting her to be someone she wasn’t. I wouldn’t want her to expect me to be someone else, and it was wrong of me to do so. It wasn’t what love is about. The differences were why I loved her as much as any other part of her personality. I’m still guilty of occasionally doing something stupid with my friends, but I’ve definitely downgraded. Laws have at least ceased to be broken lolz. So, I’m still me. I think I’m at least a bit better, but I’m still me. I’ve come to think that it’s important to be me. All of this, is everything I think. I have to say, none of this is exactly a model of perfect compatibility or even possibility… And yet I still care. She still gets straight to me. Even despite my best efforts sometimes lolz. So, I guess I’m stuck. As long as I think it’s even minutely possible, I’ll wait, and watch. I’ve learned how to do that without putting my life on standstill now. So maybe it’ll never happen the way I sometimes hope. But you never know I guess, and no one else has caught my eye in the meantime lolz. If it came down to it, she would be worth the wait anyways. And if not, then c’est la vie *shrugs* I’ll keep moving along, as I’m so fond of saying now, heh. But that’s it, everything I’ve felt or thought… I feel literally lighter. It’s nice. Bon soir.

In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.”

I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you.

(Source: timorleste)

So. It’s been over eight months since I was referred to as mo chuisle. Didn’t quite expect it to happen again… Still wonder who posted the question. Anyways, I guess I just keep rolling along *shrugs* Things will happen as they will in time lolz. For now, life is good :3

Anonymous asked: Ich liebe ihn. Ich möchte bei ihm sein. Aber ich will ihn, mir zu glauben, auch.

Then be with him, and make him believe you. You’re lucky Jules, you found someone who seems to make you happy. If thats the case, hold onto it.

“Try something new. You will like the results.” Mmm. How delightfully obscure. There’s only half a hundred things that could mean that I’m thinking xP

Anonymous asked: He told me that nobody could ever hurt me. Like, no one would be cruel enough to. Besides that things have been left unsaid but its bugging me.

Well that just sounds more like denial. I mean, no offense. But that’s just pushing away reality. You have to think black and white sometimes. Sorry if it’s harsh, but you either love him or you don’t, want to be with him or you don’t, you know? You just have to decide what you know and work from there I guess.

Anonymous asked: Why would you doubt? Could you think of any hypothetical reasons?

He doesn’t trust/believe you *shrugs* thats really about the only reason for calling someone a liar. Have you asked him?

Anonymous asked: I love him, I'm pretty sure that I do, but he doesn't believe me. I can't understand why. I've always been there for him, and I believed him with everything he's shared with me. Why won't he do the same?

I don’t rightly know… People’s minds are their own. Thats something only he can answer. In my opinion, he should believe you, but thats my opinion, and rather unrelated lolz. You make things too complicated ya know that? Considering I always did that is rather hypocritical of me, but thats why I’m working on it.

Anonymous asked: Situation: After much prodding and questioining I admit that I have been hurt before. Would you call me a liar?

No. I didn’t and i wouldn’t. Are you sure you’re okay? I’m always around to talk to. Sorry I did not answer sooner, for whatever reason it didn’t notify me that I had a question.

Dia diabhal. Mé chailleann fós í.